"But, I Can't Help It!"
by Rinny1
Summary: When the Weiss boys go to the Petshop of "Love and Dreams", and are bitten by supernaturally diseased kittens, they get a little bit more than they bargained for. ~Shounen ai implications.
1. Fly Went The Kitty

Disclaimer:  I do not own Weiss Kreuz. 

"But, I can't help it!"

*** * ***

     "Aya-kuuu~~n…"

     "No."

     "Aya-kuuuuun…."

     "No."

     "But _Aya-kuuuuun!!!_"

     Grunt.  Groan.  'I mustn't look into his eyes, I mustn't look into his eyes…'

     Omi managed to effectively attach himself to Aya's leg in a pleading-child position.  He looked up at the Weiss leader with bubbling cerulean eyes.  "Onegai…" His lip started to tremble.

     "……………No."  Aya began to trudge around the Koneko no Sumu Ie, dragging Omi along with him.

     The small boy squeezed his enormous eyes shut as they began to water.

     As if on cue, dozens of screaming fangirls rushed to the small brunette's aid.  Aya continued trudging, desperate to get the boy off his leg.

     "But Aya-kuuuun…  _Why_ can't we go to the pet shop???"  Omi bit his lip harder.

     Aya sighed and rested his forehead in his palm.  Omi had been going on like this for twenty minutes, and he was beginning to get frustrated.  Beginning to.  But he wouldn't budge on his decision.  Weiss was **not** going to the pet shop.

     "Stop being so mean to Omi-kun!"  "I'll hate you!"  "We'll never come to the Koneko again, and we'll egg it every night!!"  "I'll tell the city about how you like to shag Youji-kun!"

     Weiss was going to the pet shop.

* * *

     "Kawaii koneko da ne!"  Yohji sauntered through the pet shop.

     Ken just blinked rapidly around the dark room.  "Pet…. Shop?"  He looked intrigued.  The place was fairly dark, not bright and cheerful like you would expect a pet shop to be.  It had smooth wooden flooring, two couches, a coffee table, and all sorts of strange decorations on the walls that Ken couldn't even hope to name.  There was a dark back hallway where they kept the pets, their shadows lurking on the walls like tigers about to strike.

     Aya called it cozy.

     Omi looked around uncomfortably.  The place had looked bright and happy from the outside, but he was sadly mistaken.  He held on to Yohji's jacket from his position behind the blonde.

     Ken began to bore.  _'These halls are too narrow for playing soccer…'_ He wanted to go outside.  Bad.  Ken want go outside bad.

     Aya was happy.

     Yes, Aya was happy.  

     Why was Aya happy?

     Well, duh.  There were vicious animals he could use to kill Takatori here.

     'Sharp fangs sinking into dark flesh, ripping apart the tendons and flinging bowels across the room, blood and brain matter splattered on-'

     Aya's thoughts of bloody, painful, yet somewhat expensive vengeance were interrupted by a feminine voice ahead of them.

     "Welcome to my Pet Shop.  I'm sure you'll find a pet you like.  Did you know our merchandise is Love and Dreams?"

     "Yup.  You've told us about twenty times now."  Yohji stated, lifting an eyebrow.

     "Um, anou…" Ken lifted his finger in curiosity.  "Er, Ma'am… I mean, sir… um…."

     The raven-haired, oriental shop owner turned to stare at Ken.  
  


     "Um… which are you?"

     "…………………"

     Ken's finger remained high.

     "………………….. So, on your left, you'll see the tigers…"

* * *

     "Aya-kun, I think you've spent enough time staring at that snake.  You aren't going to win the glaring contest."

     "…"

     "No, no… my name is Ken… K-E-N.  Ken.  Hidaka Ken."

     "Loser!"

     "No, not Loser.  Hidaka Ken."

     "Loser!"

     "Stop it!  You're such a mean parrot!"

     "So… Miss D."  Yohji leaned in close to the oriental shop owner.  "How long have you been running this joint?" 

     "…………………" D smiled wickedly.  "Would you like some tea?"

     "Sure!  You should come by the Koneko sometime.  You'd be the prettiest fangirl there."  He winked at D.

     "Well, I don't know…. I might stand out.  Most of the girls there don't have a penis."

     Yohji decided to take interest in something else.

     "Ohh!  Look!  Kittens!"  Omi's face lit up at the sight.  Four adorable little kittens were rolling over each other, playing.

     Aya swore in frustration as he couldn't glare any longer.  He stomped over to where Omi referred.  Aya smiled.

     Maybe he could use the kittens to seduce Takatori into a death pit of some sort.

     "They're so cute!  I want one…"

     D smiled.  "If you'd like it, you must first promise me these rules three-"

     "Ow!! It bit me!!"

     Aya scowled… then smiled.  

     Maybe the kitten could soften Takatori then attack him when his guard was down.

     Omi sucked on his injured finger.  Mean kitty.  Omi lightly kicked the base of the cage out of frustration.

     Fly went the kitty, it flew!  

     Land on Ken's head, it do.

     Bite Ken's ear, it did;

     For that is an erogenous region.

     Fling the Kitten did Ken,

     And it landed where 'tis precious to men.

     Yohji screamed in pain and revulsion

     And fell on the floor in convulsions.

     D walked over to Yohji and picked up the little cat.  

     "Isn't he a little sweetie?" 

     "#$@&in' hell!"  Aya now had a kitten hanging from his arm.  

     He had decided he didn't like kittens.  Maybe Takatori would.

     "Anou… Mr. D, it's been a pleasure, but I think we'd better get Yohji-kun home right now."

     "What's wrong with him?"

     Yohji writhed in pain on the floor.  "Help… me…." 

* * *

     "No more pet shops, Omi."

     "But Aya-kuuun…"

     "Unless our mission involves buying maneating tigers, NO."

     Omi sniffled in defeat.

     //Like that opportunity would ever come along…// Aya wished.

     Yohji stumbled crippled through the door of the Koneko, as Ken was more confused than usual.  "I think that kitten bit my brain…" And so, in much pain and complaining, our little kittens turned in to their respective cages for the night.

* * *

     Knock knock knock.  

     No answer.

     Manx knocked again, black folder in hand.  It was 6 AM; usually the boys were up by now.  Did they oversleep?  She shook her head and took out her set of keys.  Slowly opening the door, she stepped inside.  The room was bright with the early morning sun, the flowers sparkling with their delicious nourishment.  But no kittens.  No Weiss anywhere to be found.  Manx shook her head.  They must still be sleeping.  

     She was about to sit down to wait when the phone rang.  

     Reluctantly, she picked it up.  "Hello, K-Kitties in the House… Um… How may I help you?"

     The voice on the other end sounded perfectly calm and professional.  Effeminate.  "Hello.  This is Count D, your friendly neighborhood seller of Love and Dreams."

     "Um… Yes, hello."

     "I've called to inform you of a little discovery I made yesterday."  He paused.  Slurp.  Was he drinking something?  "I had my animals tested for various diseases last night after I closed up shop."  Sip.  "I discovered something very interesting."

     Manx wasn't sure how to respond.  "I don't understand… What did you find?  What does this have to do with-"

     She was interrupted by a sudden crashing sound from upstairs, followed by heavy running, and what sounded like a vacuum running over sand.

     "Well…. I found that my kittens have a rare supernatural disease that causes extreme symptoms similar to those of OCD."

     Manx blinked, as the sounds upstairs grew louder.  Oh God.  

     "OH GOD, OH GOD! IT'S A FIRE! FIRE!!!"

* ~ * ~ *

Continue, or no? ^_^  This is my first ficcy… for those who haven't seen it, Count D is from Petshop of Horrors.  Good show.  Anyhoo, Review, onegai… ^_^


	2. Aiaiaiaiai!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Weiss Kreuz. 

"But, I can't help it!" 

Chapter 2: AIAIAIAIAI!

*** * ***

"But Braaaaaad…."

     Twitch.  "No."

     "Braaaaaaad!" 

     "No!"

     "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

     "Damnit, Schuldich!

     "I'll give you hot wild monkey sex after we get there!"

     "I don't WANT hot wild monkey sex!"

     "Are you saying you want hot wild Schuschu sex more?"

     "NO!"

     "Why not?"

     "Farfarello!  It will really hurt God if you get him off my leg!"

     "AIAIAIAIAIA!"

     "Ack!  Mercy!"

     Naoe Nagi stood off in his own little storm cloud separate from the battle building in the middle of the room.  They'd been at it for twenty minutes now.  Twenty.  Of course, they'd chosen his room for the argument.  Apparently, Schuldich wanted to go see some kittens.  He'd asked Crawford, and when the American told him that they had no reason at the moment to fight Weiss, Schu asked for the next best thing.  So now, Brad was trying to hold his ground, just like always.  He never won.  Nagi went to go get ready.  They'd be leaving any moment.  

* * *

     "Welcome to my Pet Shop.  I'm sure you'll find a pet you like.  Our merchandise is Love and-"

     "Will they hurt God?"

     "…Excuse me?"

     "Will the pets hurt God?"

     "…Would you like some tea?"

     "Please excuse my comrade's inappropriate behavior."  The walking Armani suit apologized.

     D took an instant liking to the American.  "Would _you_ like some tea?"

     "Will the tea hurt God?"

     Nagi stood over by a bunny in a cage.  It was incredibly cute.  Nagi's lips began to tug at just the barest inkling of a smile… when the bunny's stomach ripped open and many smaller bunnies flew out [1].  Nagi blanched.  "That… really hurt God…" Farf commented, watching.  

     Brad paced through the halls, searching for a pet to match his suit while muttering something about a "distracting annoyance".  

     Farfarello began slicing open the stomach of another bunny to see how many more would pop out.

     Meanwhile, Schuldich was giggling happily at the end of the hall.  Cute kitties.  He poked one to see what it would do.  The first kitty licked his finger happily.  Aw.

     Brad found himself occupied with a gerbil.  "Stupid distraction.  I wish you would just roll over and die."  It did.

     Farf cut open more bunnies.

     Schu poked a second kitten, which batted his finger, and a third, which snuggled up against it.  Aw.  The third kitten glared at him.

     Brad promptly paid for the dead distraction.

     Nagi watched in trauma.

     Farf cut open another bunny.

     Count D sipped his tea.

     And the kitty bit Schuldich.

     Fly went the kitty, it flew!

     Land on Farfarello, it do.

     "KILLING KITTENS HURTS GOD!! AIAIAIAIAI!"  

     The glaring kitten bit Farf.  Farf bit a bunny, then cut open the bunny.  All the bunnies flew around the room and bit everyone else.  Yes, that's what they do!  

     D sipped his tea.  Bunnies flooded the room.  "Maybe you all have had your share of fun for today?"  He smiled.

     Schuldich smirked.  "Oh, nein, mein liebchen.  We're just getting started."

     And then the polka music started playing.

     Schu leaped around the room and pulled out his gun. Bang!  "Haha!  I shot your pigs!"

     Crawford busied himself in the corner with his paperwork, and Farfarello jumped about the room, followed by hundreds of killer bunnies.

     "We shall rally against God and bring ourselves to glorious victory!"

     "Squeak! (Yes, verily we shall!)"

     Nagi stood in the corner watching a sloth.  He soon became frustrated and began moving the animal's limbs in a DDR-like fashion.

     "I shot another pig!"

     "Kiss your leader's leg!  KISS IT!"

     Schu leaped across the room, tackled Bradley, and sent them both tumbling into the monkey cage.  "It was a promise, mein liebchen!"  

     "NOOOO!"

     Schu swatted a monkey.  "Stop trying to get your tail in him first!  Bad monkey, bad!"

     "Nagiiiiii~~~!!!"

     Nagi now had the sloth in front of a large TV screen dancing on top of a DDR pad.  "Aiaiai…"

     "Squeeeaakkk! (We don't know what we've been told, but that God's got mighty old!)"

     "I'm a little butterfly…"

     "Yamero, Schuldiiiiiii~~ch!!!!!!!"

     And so the four Schwarz members did grin, and torture animals, and have cake, and sodomy, and lambs, and carp, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and a hell of a lot of alcohol.

* * *

     "No, Schuldich.  I am NOT having sex with you tonight."

     "But WHY, Braddy?"

     Twitch.  "DON'T call me 'Braddy'."

     "Yes Braddy."

     "Not listening to Crawfish hurts God."

     "……………….."

     "Eating Crawfish hurts God, too."

     "ACK!  OFF! DOWN, BOY!"

     And thus, Schwarz turned in for the night.  After a few more hours of fighting, anyway.

* * *

Ring.  Ring.

No answer.

Ring.  Ring.

{20 minutes later}

     "Goddamn all of you!  You were supposed to be in my office an hour ago!"  Takatori stomped through the halls of the Schwarz residence as if he lived there.  He tapped his golf club on every door like a drill sergeant getting his troops up at the crack of dawn.  

     Takatori had developed a nervous twitch by the time he reached Crawford's office.  He threw open the door and screamed out, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?"

     He found the office empty.  He was a little more than annoyed now.  He was about to go bashing Crawford's desk with his golf club when the phone rang.  He considered bashing it, but then thought better of it and picked the phone up.  "What?"

     "Good morning.  This is your friendly neighborhood seller of Love and Dreams."

     "Go away.  I have more important matters to attend to."

     Sip.  "I was testing my animals last night for various diseases, and I found something very interesting…" Slurp.  "Apparently my kittens have a rare supernatural disease that causes extreme symptoms similar to those of OCD.  Have a nice day!"  He hung up.

     Takatori slowly lowered the phone.  Oh shit.  

     He heard a quiet sob come from behind him.  He turned his head to the side.  Farfarello was secured in his strait jacket, curled into the corner of the room, shaking and sniffling.

     "Oh, dear... this isn't going to hurt God, is it?"

* ~ * ~ *

[1] In Petshop of Horrors, episode 1, the bunny split open after eating a cookie and reproduced.  Massively. O_O

Gwahaha.  Next chapter we get back to Weiss.  ^__^ Review, onegai.


	3. Illegal Operations

Disclaimer:  I do not own Weiss Kreuz. 

Notes:  OCD stands for "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder".

Thank you so much to all of my reviewers… I love you… *muah* ^_^

"But, I can't help it!" 

Chapter 3: Illegal Operations

*** * ***

"So, it's incurable?"  Manx sat collected at the Koneko's warped table, her cup of tea untouched.  An open laptop set beside her.  She waited for Count D's answer while he sipped his hot treat.

     "No, I suppose it isn't.  However…" the beautiful man took another sip.  "Most of the time, it will go away on its own.  It simply needs time.  And perhaps a good deal of therapy."

     "So how long do you think it will take?"  The laptop said.  Manx noticed that Persia's window wasn't open, and she maximized it.  The shadowed man appeared on the screen.  

     "Well…." Sip.  "It all depends on how bad they are.  Please, miss, could you bring one of them down?  I'd like to evaluate them myself."

     Manx did as told and stepped upstairs.  A few moments later, after a lot of crashing noises, she returned, Aya behind her.  

     The man didn't look good at all.  His eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with purple, and carried heavy bags.  He looked like a stressed-out housewife.  He carried a feather duster in one hand and a dirt devil in the other.  His eyes widened considerably as he saw the pair sitting at the table.

     "WHY**.** AREN'T**.** YOU**.** USING**.** COASTERS!?!?!?"

     D smiled sweetly.  "I'd say… one or two years."

     Manx blanched.  Persia had an illegal operation.

* * *

     "Goddamnit!  I don't need this right now!"  Takatori swung his golf club again.  "You idiots have some sort of freak disease!  Now, SIT!"

     Farfarello was perfectly behaved.  He sat quietly in his strait jacket before Takatori, legs crossed, smiling like a five-year-old with a lollipop.

     The others, however, weren't doing so well.

     They were all running in a line, going in circles around the room.  Schuldich was in the lead, hopping like a bunny, his thumb in his mouth.  Next came Crawford, who was river dancing, chasing Schu and flicking him off from behind.  Finally came Nagi.  He was bent over with his arms behind him, wiggling his hands like a fish.  His face came dangerously close to Brad's behind.  They kept doing that for twenty minutes. 

     "Sit DOWN!  That woman that called should be here any minute now."  

     As if on cue, Count D walked through the door at that moment, teacup in hand, cheongsam swishing by his legs.  "I believe you were expecting me?"

     "Damn right, woman!  Explain this!"

     D decided to play along.

     The man's cheeks reddened and he smiled affectionately, tossing his hair.  "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting… I had to care for the animals… I just care about them…" he licked his lips,  "so very much…"

     "FIX THIS!"

     A little flying… thing… buzzed into the room.  It went to sit on D's shoulder affectionately.

     "Why, Q-chan!  Thank you for joining me."

     "WHAT'S THE DEAL, LADY!?"  Takatori raised his golf club.

     The cute flying thing tilted its head in confusion.

     D took a sip out of his teacup.  "The disease is incurable, however, it does go away with time."

     "I DON'T CARE.  JUST FIX IT."

     Sip.  "Judging by how they're acting, I think those three will be back to their normal selves within a few years."

     "WHAT!?  Well, what about the other one?"

     "What other one?"  Q-chan tipped its head.

     "The one in the #@$%ing strait jacket."

     D turned to look at Farfarello.  "What's wrong with him?"

     "He's being SANE."

     "Oh…"

     Farfarello smiled cutely.  "God likes you!  So I like you too!"

* * *

     "THIS PLACE IS SO DIRTY!!!"

     Fujimiya Aya raced back and forth across the floor of the Koneko, vacuum in hand.  The floor was dirty!  So dirty!  Not pleasing to Fujimiya Aya, no sir!

     Omi sat scrunched up in the corner, looking left and right with bloodshot eyes.  There was something bad out there.  It was coming to get them.  It would destroy them, eat their livers and spit out their ears!  Meep!

     Yohji lay sprawled out on the stairs, pleasure spilled across his features.

     His hand was where it probably shouldn't be.

     And if Manx's ears were right, Ken was running back and forth upstairs.  She sighed and stood, placing her hands on the table.  "I guess I'll be staying here for awhile, then."  She faced D.  "Count D, would you mind watching them while I get my things?"

     "Not at all."  D smiled brightly.  Q-chan popped out from nowhere.  "I'd be more than happy to."

     Manx nodded her thanks and left, leaving Persia alone with the Chinese man and… fluffy flying thing.

     A few moments of silence past, the room devoid of sound save for Aya's mad hatter vacuum.

     "……So…" Persia tried to make conversation.  "…What's it like working at a cursed pet shop?" 

     "Oh God, Yohji-kun, don't do that!  You could start a fire!!"

     "No waaa~y, Omi…" He drawled.  "You're too tensed up…"

     "EEEEEPP!  YOHJI-KUN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

     Persia and D went into silence again.

     "AAAHH!"

     "DAMN YOU!  LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THE STEPS!  THE **STEPS**!!!!!" Aya ran about madly trying to find some appropriate cleaning supplies.

     D sipped his tea and smiled.  Persia had another illegal operation.  It was going to be a long year.

*  *  *

     Bradley Crawford sat in his favorite chair, unmoving.  He stared straight ahead, face completely stern and devoid of emotion.  He hadn't blinked for a few hours.  Naoe Nagi sat on the floor, his body rocking back and forth, yelling out "Go!" "Die, you bastard!"  and "Damnit, I died!" sporadically.  Farfarello stood happily by the window, watching the birds.  The birds made God happy, so they made Farfie happy.  Schuldich knelt down by Brad awkwardly.

     "What are you doing, Braddy?"

     No answer.

     "What are you doing, Braddy?"

     No answer.  
     "What are you doing, Braddy?"

     Crawford gave Schu the Pinky Finger [1].

     Schul smirked.  _//I can think of a lot of things to do with that pinky finger…// _And he did.  He made sure Brad did, too.

     "Shit!"  Crawfish quirked out.  

     The red-haired telepath smiled.  "Why'd you say a bad word, Brad?  Why'd you say a bad word, Brad?"

     Q-chan sat behind Nagi's laptop, tapping the keys cutely.  A loud "bleep!" sounded from the tiny speakers.  Q-chan had an IM.  

     **2Sxy2HavAPenis**:  Q-chan, darling.  How are things going over there?

     **FlfyThng4omHll**:  Greetings, my friend.  My presently indisposed companions seem to be indubitably settling down for the more favorable.

     Nagi began humming some music.  Was that from Everquest?  Farfarello sighed contentedly.  "Happy music… it makes God smile…"

     Schuldich hopped over to Nagi happily.  "Hallo, Nagikins!  Wie geht's dir?"  He poked the brunette.  Nagi opened his eyes slowly.  The boy leaned forward towards Schuldich, his nose twitching.  First Schu's chest, then stomach, then… 

     Then Nagi got some very hentai mental images from Schu and ran across the room.  "Wait, Nagikins!  Don't run away!"  Nagi ran further.  "Where are you going?  Hey?  Where are you going?  Where are you going?  Where?"  He sucked his thumb.

**     2Sxy2HavAPenis**:  Not too well, I suppose?

     **FlfyThng4omHll**:  Squeak.

* * *

     "What the hell did you do now, Count?"

     "Mr. Detective!  So glad you were able to join us."

     "I heard some loud-ass screaming down the street and I figured it was your doing.  Hey, get this thing off me!"

     "Q-chan, be nice to the handsome man."

     "So what did you do NOW?"

     "They just got sick from being bitten by my kittens.  It's no big deal."

     "Heeheh…"

     "What the #@$#!?  Count, **why** is this guy's hand on my ass?"

     "I don't surely know.  Ask the lucky man why."

     "Yummy…"

     "YOHJI-KUN!  Come help me secure the 50th fire alarm!"

     Twitch.  "Count… **why** is there a vacuum trying to suck up my ass?"

     "I don't surely know.  Ask the lucky vacuum why."

     "Your butt is dirty, I tell you!"

     Twitch.  "Count… **why** is there a foot in my ass?"

     "I don't surely know.  Ask the lucky foot why."

     "Tee hee!  It's a soccer ball!"

     Twitch.  "Count…"

     Sip.  Smile.

     Manx walked down from upstairs.  She looked horribly worried, exhausted, and stressed beyond belief.  "Weiss.  Assemble."

     D and Leon eventually gathered all four of the boys before the redheaded woman.  Omi was going nuts thinking the house would cave in on them, Ken was kicking his feet in the air, Aya was rubbing the floor with a rag, and Yohji was… touching himself.  They continued to attempt escape, so the two men had to hold them in place.  

     Manx held a black folder in her hand.

     "Weiss… you have a mission."

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

End chapter 3.  ^_^  I've only seen Petshop once, so if it's very OOC, I'm sorry… ;_;

[1] Giving someone the "pinky finger" is like calling them a homo.

Review, onegai! ^__^


	4. Hark! The Farfarello Sings!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Weiss Kreuz. 

Notes:  OCD stands for "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder".

Pre-mission stuffs.  Sorry this chapter is so short.  Then again, they all are. ^_^0

"But, I can't help it!" 

Chapter 4: Hark, the Farfarello sings!

*** * ***

     "Weiss no shoku.  MISSION ga hazure da."

     "BOOOOOORIIIIIING."

     "Quiet, all of you."

     "OH GOD, the TV… it **talks**!!!!"  The petit blonde yelped.

     "Omi, come back out from under the couch."

     Persia cleared his throat.  "Thank you, Manx."

     Weiss, the great hunters of the dark, were all listening attentively.

     "Yohji!  Don't touch me there, your hands are dirty!"

     "Your target is Mr. –"

     "SOCCER BALL!"

     "—Takashita Mondai."

     "OH. MY. GOD."  Aya shook and pointed a finger at the screen.

     "What is it, Abyssinian?  Do you know the target?"  Manx questioned.

     Several moments of silence passed.

     "THERE'S A PIECE OF **LINT** ON THE TV!!!!!!"  

* ~ * ~ *

     "Hello, and welcome to Estet's latest rehab seminar, "Killing for Dummies." a tall, black-haired woman in her mid 20s welcomed.  

     There were eight people in the room:  Four girls and four boys.  Some of those were debatable.

     Schuldich sucked his thumb innocently.  "Why do we gotta come here?  Why do we gotta come here?  Why do we gotta come here?"  Crawford flicked him off. 

     Brad was surprised as some very graphic mental images came from the redhead.  "S.O.B."

     "Alright now everybody settle down…"

     "Friends fighting makes God cry…" Farfarello sniffled.  "I don't want anybody to be sad…"

     "YES!!!!!! 553 EXPERIENCE POINTS!!!!!!"

     "Um… Mr. Naoe?  Please, shut up."

     "BUT I HAVE TO GET TO THE NEXT LEVEL!"

     The woman decided it was time for introductions.  She opened her arms to the group.  "My name is Ungha."

     "Why do you have such an ugly name?  Why do you have such an ugly name?"

     Twitch.  "Because when the author was talking about cybering with her friend, they started looking for something better to say than "moan".  So they came up with UNGHAA.  It's true."

     Schu's eyebrows rose at the idea.  He sent some images in the woman's direction.  _//Unghaa…//_

     Ungha shuddered.  Motioning with her hand to Schuldich, she continued.  "Everyone, please tell the group your name, and why you're here."  She sat down.

     Schuldich hopped up from his seat, thumb in mouth.  "I'm Schuschu!"  He posed.  "Why am I here?  Why am I here?

Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I—"

     "Alright!"  Unghaa interrupted.  "Who's next?"

     The woman glanced at Crawford.  He sat unmoving, unblinking, although through his uber-shiny glasses you probably couldn't tell.  She walked over and prodded him with a crowbar in order to get him to move.

     The man jumped from his seat.  He raised his middle finger to the group.  "$#%@ you."  He sat back down.

     "Alright……………….. Next?"

     Farf stood up in his strait jacket, smiling like a schoolgirl.  "My name is Jei von Farfarello von Angel."  He smiled for a moment before continuing.  "I am here because my God willed it unto me!"

     Crawford commented.  "Bullshit."

     "…. Ok.  Now, the small brunette?"

    "NAOE NAGI WA ICHIBAN! [1] A WINNER IS ME! A WINNER IS ME! [2]"

     "…(Perhaps the others will be more promising.)  Alright, who's next?"

     A small blue-haired girl stood, twirling an umbrella.  She wore a pink frilly dress, lip-gloss, blue eye shadow, pink blush, white high heels, and her hair swirling in spirals around her face.  

     She looked like an idiot.

     She twirled the umbrella before she spoke.  "Tot is here to learn to kill others, instead of Tot!"  She ran herself through with the umbrella as demonstration.

    Everyone's attention was distracted from the beautiful sight of Tot's dying body by Farfarello's yelling.  "GOD DOES NOT LIKE SUICIDE!  STOP MAKING HIM CRY!"  And then he broke down, sobbing.

     After Tot's body was dropped off at the morgue, the introductions continued.  A woman with short dark hair stood.  "Hell."

     "No cursing, please!"

     "Shut the #@%$ up."

     "That **includes** you, Mr. #@$# you." 

     "Cursing hurts God…" Sniffle.  "Please, stop…"

     The other two women stood with Hell, and posed.  "Schoen!"  "Noi!"

     Altogether they finished, "SCHREIENT!"

     Nagi cooed.  "Oh, awesome, I get to fight some man-women…"

     "TOT IS BACK!!"

     Nagi stood and waddled over to the girl.  He stuck his nose out and sniffed.  "She don't smell dead."

     "YAY!"  Farfarello piped up.

     "Goddamnit."  Crawford was promptly smacked by Jei von Farfarello von Angel.

     "**I** think she smells dead…" Schu added, sucking his thumb.  

*  *  *

     "Omi, I'm begging you, please get some info on the target…"

     "BUT _MANX_!  What if some hacker decides to try to get in?? What if I get a virus??  What if I catch the l33t disease? **THE L337 D153453!!**"

     Manx sighed.  It just wasn't going to work.  The mission would be a failure.  But they couldn't just ignore Weiss for a few years.  They only way one could leave Kritiker was through death, and she just wasn't willing to do that.  She turned to go find the others.

     "AAH!!"  Manx screeched at the sight before her.  

     Aya and Ken rushed in at the sound, and Omi spun around in his chair, alarmed.

     Kudou Yohji lay sprawled upon the basement couch; naked as the day he was born.  His silky locks spilled down his face in golden ripples, his toned skin glistening with fresh sweat.  His face spoke of ecstasy, eyelashes fluttering, his hand steadily working its magic.  

     Everyone was silent for a minute.

     "GOOD GOD, KUDOU!  LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO THE COUCH!"

     "IT'S A SOCCER BALL!  KICK IT, KICK IT!!"

     "I'LL GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!"

     Manx sank to her knees.  "Oh God…"

     "I GOT A GOAL!"

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

[1] "Naoe Nagi is the best!"

[2] Thank you, The Jar. ^.~

Ah.  I love it.  Review, onegai shimasu.  I love all of my reviewers.  So much. ^___^  ***huggle snuggle glomp!***

  
  



	5. 6 Minutes, 69 Seconds

Disclaimer:  I do not own Weiss Kreuz.

Author's notes:

I'd love to thank all of my reviewers, especially those who keep coming back to review each chapter. ^__^ Kachikara, Renchan, Keeshe Ka'daka(You have the most awesome name X_X), Koyuki Aode, Silver Angel, Chen-Too… and other people. X_X Sorry if I missed you… ***glomps*** I love you all! ^__^

Quick rant: 

Microsoft word sucks.  It thinks it knows everything.  According to word,

Schuldich = Childish

Naoe Nagi = Nape Nagy

Fujimiya Aya = Bulimia Aye

Kudou Yohji = Kudu Ohio

Hidaka Ken = Hitachi Ken

And Takatori Reiji = Amatory Reign.

Oh yeah.  I love this program. ***pats paper clip affectionately***

"But, I Can't Help It!"

Chapter 5:  6 Minutes, 69 Seconds.

* ~ * ~ *

     And so, Weiss was going on its mission.  Its very first mission since the insanity hit.  They didn't know their target, they didn't know how to kill, and they didn't know how to be quiet.

     And it was at a nuclear waste site.

     Joy, oh joy.

     "Why'd I get stuck doin' this…" Leon wondered as the brawny blonde chewed his cheeseburger.  He had been asked to accompany the group in case something should happen.

     "In case".  Yeah, right.  So far the American detective had been doing all the work, shooting down guards at every corner.

     Aya shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself, twitching.  "So… dirty… nuclear… waste… must…. clean…"

     "Shh, Aya-kun, be quiet!  If the boogie man hears you…" Omi sniffled in worry,  "the boogie man…!!"

     "SHUT UP!" Leon silenced a bit too loudly.  "We're here to get this Takashita Mondai person because he's the cause of your stupid disease thing!  He injected the Count's pets with some evil stuff, so that's why we have to kill him!"

     "Only if I get to take care of his body at the morgue afterward."  Aya added smugly.

     Leon began to twitch.  Glancing to the side he witnessed Yotan about to do the stupidest thing he'd ever seen.

     "Mmmnnn… This green stuff must be warm… hot, and gooey…"

     The American threw himself at the blonde, effectively knocking him to the floor.  "That's worse than the pie in American Pie II!!" 

     He really was not enjoying this whole "babysitting" thing.

     "Look, everyone!  It's a soccer ball!" Ken grinned stupidly.  He ran to kick a bucket of waste, knocking it over and spilling its contents everywhere.

     "Meeeeeep!" Omi clung to Yohji.  "Meep."  The boy quickly detached himself from the blonde, who had taken complete advantage of having the petite brunette on his chest.

     "So, you all were sent to kill me?"  A well-built man of about 35, with short black hair, stood at the door.  Takashita Mondai.  He closed his eyes and chuckled.  "How idiotic, attempting such a thing when you are infected."  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hose.  Yes, a hose.  

     Yohji ran to touch it.

     Leon held him back.  "Idiot!  It's just a hose!" 

     Aya drooled.  Hoses contained water.  

     "FLOOD! IT'S GOING TO FLOOD!"  Raved Omi.  

     Ken grinned even wider.  "Soccer ball!"

     Takashita turned on the hose, spraying out a smelly rainbow-colored liquid.  "Take a taste of my latest creation!  You'll all be so insane soon you'll be forced into a looney bin!" Mondai cackled.

     Everyone began running/hopping/skipping/dribbling to the exit, totally drenched in the concoction.  And thus ended Weiss' shortest mission, of 6 minutes and 69 seconds.

     Leon twitched uncontrollably.

     "Oh God."

* ~ * ~ *

I apologize for the long break between updates.  I apologize for the length of this chapter.  I apologize of the lack of plot.  I apologize for the lack of humor.  I apologize for my lack of writing skill.  I apologize for my existence. X_X ***commits hara kiri***

Anou… review, onegai? ^_^'


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